Changing to a Positive Mindset

 

I have vowed to make 2021 a year of positivity. 2020 was a hard year for everyone, given the state of the world during the global pandemic and subsequently, the crumbling of the United States government due to the election. During that same time period, the Hawkesworth family was going through their own reckoning. 2020 was the year of legal trouble, daycare problems, virtual learning and an overwhelming amount of negativity. I wasn't sure my family was going to survive to see 2021. As soon as we got to a place where we could move forward from what seemed like endless stress and anxiety, we decided to keep our family the top priority and move into 2021 with the intentions of only being happy. 

Remaining positive is one of the healthiest things you can do for your mind. It is so easy to fall into a trap where you plant yourself as a victim and everything around you is crumbling as you try to live your daily life. I have learned through crippling experience that you have to manifest your own good luck. It is NOT easy, and will take consistent effort each and every day. Here is how I plan to maintain this positive mindset, and hopefully provide you with opportunities to reflect on any negativity in your life and change it for the better. 

1.  Money Isn't Everything

I know that sounds ridiculous. Money rules the world. The more you have, the higher up you are and the more you can do. 

When we moved to Florida in 2017 we drained our life savings buying a house and starting a new life. Bruce had just gotten out of the military in May 2017. I had Madden in February and was not planning on going to work until the new school year in August. We stayed for a few months with my dad to transition from Texas to Florida and allow our paperwork to process. Bruce had a job lined up with good friends of ours at AAT Restoration, and I was prepared for a teaching job at Deltona Middle School. Bruce even moved down to Florida early, staying with his mom, to begin working and keep us from drowning in our bills. 

Do you know how hard it is to get a mortgage when you have a job but you haven't technically started yet?! DMS sent countless letters to state that I was hired, I was starting a certain day, I was being paid a certain amount, etc. It took us double the amount of time to close on a home. When we DID close.....we were BROKE. And boy, do I mean broke. Everything and anything went on a credit card because Bruce's paycheck alone could not cover all of our bills. Our student loan debt is outrageous. When I finally got my first paycheck it just barely covered our mortgage and a trip to the gas pump. Our only saving grace, ironically, was Hurricane Irma. While we were thankful to be safe, and reflected on the fact that Madden and I had survived our first hurricane (Bruce is a FL baby, he didn't blink an eye), and our house had zero damage, we also relished in the benefits of being in a State of Emergency; we were granted FEMA food stamps, we were given forbearance for 1-3 months on most of our loans, and time off of work (no gas $). 

Being in this trap made us money hungry. We hustled to make sure we would stop living penny to penny. After my year in Deltona, I accepted a job in Flagler County at Belle Terre Elementary School.  This meant less money in gas, local daycare and higher pay. I took every opportunity to get extra money, such as tutoring through the school. Bruce found a line cook job after a few months, and worked his way up to Executive Chef in just a few months. He worked that position for 1.5 years before finding another line cook job and again, working his way up to Executive chef. His paycheck fluctuated, causing money stress and constant I-can't-rest mentality. If Bruce misses a day of work, he misses a day of pay. Therefore, Mandy has to be the one to take the day off, and now Bruce can never have time off. I would adore the times he got off early, but the stress of losing an hour or two of pay would bubble to the surface. When he was an Executive Chef it was worse. His last chef job was at a local brewery. He worked 6 days a week, 12 or more hours a day. His paycheck was salary, which was phenomenal, but was only paid out for 40 hours a week. Bruce easily worked 60-70 hour weeks. He had one day off, Monday, which was spent home with Madden for daddy-son bonding time, but also to reduce the cost of daycare. Oh, but Monday was also the day he was required to put in his orders for the restaurant, meaning he never technically had this day off. This cycle triggered Bruce to become depressed, anxious, exhausted and in general, destroy any mental health he had. His PTSD came to the surface and began a journey of bad life choices. We have moved past this time in our life, so no need to elaborate, but take my word for it when I say it got ugly. 

Our saving grace was the day he got fired from the local brewery. It's a long story, and I have personal negative feelings so again, no elaboration. But when it happened, we both felt a weight lifted off our shoulders. We knew his mental health needed this, and in that exact moment, we learned that money isn't everything. While making more money seems to make your life easier, it can come at a cost. If the cost is your social and emotional well being, is it really worth it?

2.  Family First 

I know the irony of saying Family First but having it be second on a list. But the order is important. As you just read, Bruce and I fell into the more money trap. This led to our demise as a family. We put money before our own family needs. There always seemed to be something that "needed" our attention. It seemed like we lived a life where we moved from one tough situation to the next. This mentality consumed us and inevitably, our family suffered. 

The COVID-19 lockdown brought us together somewhat. I was working remotely, which was stressful and took some adjustments. I didn't have much time to spend with the boys, but it resulted in constant stress and too much T.V. Bruce and I fell deeper into a depression and our struggle to be emotionally healthy just got worse. 

In late 2020, Bruce was let go from his Executive Chef position at a local brewery. This job was the black hole of his mental health problems. When he went there, the life was sucked from his soul like a Harry Potter dementor. I never saw my husband. I would wake up and he would be dead asleep. He would come home, and I would be dead asleep. Madden saw him on Monday's when he got his only day off. Him being let go showed us that we needed each other, and he made a phone call and was hired again at AAT Restoration. 

3. Find an Outlet

I have found that without a way to channel my emotions, I retained all of my negative energy. I was desperate for an outlet to release stress and increase my positive hormone levels, but fell into an excuse trap. There was always something that I could come up with that held me back from doing anything that wasn't working or taking care of Madden and the house. Being diagnosed with anxiety, I knew exercise would have a positive effect on my mental health but always found an excuse to avoid it. 

Exercise is not my jam. I grew up playing soccer, and eventually played on a travel soccer team while playing 3 sports seasons in high school. It came as a shock to me that when I stopped playing soccer to go to college, I gained weight. I never was a gym person, so going to workout in a gym is challenging to adjust to. How was I supposed to develop an exercise routine when I had no clue what would work for my schedule and my physical needs?

At the beginning of 2021, I decided I wanted to take my positive motivation to the next level. I have always heard wonderful things about yoga. I used to be very flexible, a cheerleader for many years, and thought I could be good at yoga. My two best friends on the planet do yoga and have told me wonders. Following their advice, I have made a major attempt to do yoga 3 mornings each week. I set my alarm for 5:00 a.m., and get my butt out of bed by 5:30. This allows me enough time to find a yoga video on Youtube, complete a 20 minute yoga work out, and have 5 minutes before Bruce and Madden wake up like bulls in a china shop. This starts my day with positive thoughts and de-stresses me before the stress can even begin. I have found that the days I do yoga, I have much more patience and react with a gentle, kind attitude to my students and family. Days I don't do yoga tend to leave me feeling slightly scrambled impatient, meaning I will  have a higher tendency to snap. 

I also began reading more on my Kindle, avoiding the negativity that surrounds social media. My family began doing a hobby called Letterboxing. If you haven't heard of letterboxing, go to my blog post about it. This is a wonderful family hobby that you can do any where, any time, and in a variety of environmental situations. 

4. Write in a Journal

If you don't enjoy writing, this will seem stupid. I was always one of those people that felt stupid writing in a diary. Trust me when I say this is the most beneficial thing you can do when negativity swarms your brain and anxiety is eating you alive. There are major benefits to journaling. Let me explain how I use my notebooks and how they help me in my daily life. 

I am notorious for my purse notebooks. I have a notebook for every scenario. 

• I made a budget notebook that fits inside my purse, to have access to our finances at all times. 
• I have a purse notebook that stays in my purse and allows me to write lists, thoughts, and things I needed to remember. 
• I have a mini notebook I use to make daily checklists at work, notes during meetings and anything that needs a reminder during the day. 

In my budget notebook, I keep track of what bills we need to pay, what day they get paid on, how much income we bring in during the pay period, and how we allot any extra penny. As a family, we developed our own budgeting plan that involves rolling our extra money to pay off our debt. I can't say we use one specific method, but we researched a variety and took specific aspects that worked for our financial situation. As a team, we tag team our budget and communicate about any spending to ensure we don't get stressed about money. Money is a major trigger for anxiety and by documenting everything we need to know, it keeps the anxiety at bay. 

In my other two notebooks, I begin a clean page for each day. I start by writing a to do list, and add everything I can possibly think of that I want to do that day. As the day goes on, I add more if things come to my mind. This helps me keep track of things we need to get done, or need to handle in a timely fashion. It could also be a lists of projects I want to do around the house. I check off things on the list as I get to them. During the day, I begin another clean page if I need to write any reminders to myself, get phone calls that require me to remember information, etc. If anxiety kicks into high gear, I write a brain dump of everything that makes me feel anxious in that moment. When the next day rolls around, I begin with a clean page, and write everything from the previous day checklist that did not get done, then add what I need done for that day. I continue this process every. single. day. 

Writing out my emotions helps me process them better. By expressing my needs and any anxieties I have, I am able to maintain focus what needs to get done during the day. I complete only tasks that I think I can handle. Some days are far more productive than others, and that is okay. You are not considered a failure if you don't complete the tasks on your to-do list every day. 

5.  Identify the Toxic People in Your Life 

There are always going to be people in your life that you don't get along with. Usually, these types of people can be dealt with and ignored. However, some people linger in our lives and spread their negativity deep down into our bone marrow, ruining any chance we have at a positive lifestyle. Take a good look around you. Is there someone in your life that is always one upping you? What about someone who always finds a way to turn your situation into their victimization? Do you constantly find yourself upset by something this person did or said? This is what we call a toxic relationship. You can have a toxic relationship with anyone; friends, coworkers, family members. Their role in your life is to suck your positive energy away like a dementor. 

My entire life, I was always a people pleaser, putting others before myself time and time again. I have always made sure other people's needs are mets before my own because I felt that was the right thing to do. By doing this, I acquired many toxic friendships and relationships because my kindness was always viewed as a weakness. I could list countless people in my life that took advantage of the kind of person I am in order to benefit themselves down the road. 

Naming specific people would ruin the positive vibes I have going for me at the moment. I will let you know that if you have a friend call you sobbing, and you go over to help them with a situation that they feel they can't handle themselves, but down the road you need the same thing from them and they can't help you.....thats a toxic relationship. If you express your feelings to a friend because you are going through something tough and just need a shoulder to cry on, and down the road they use that against you....thats a toxic relationship. If you have a family member that criticizes your parenting and purposely makes food you and your child are allergic to.....that is a toxic relationship. Anyone who uses your Hulu log in information for 3 years, throws a temper tantrum when the password is changed, and accuses you of being a shitty friend......thats a toxic relationship. 

Identifying a toxic person can be hard. Cutting them off can be harder. Think about yourself and your future; if that person is doing nothing to support you in a time when you need it the most, then they don't deserve to watch you be happy. Chances are, they are pushing for you to remain miserable so they can feel better about themselves. 

6. Choose Optimism

This one is definitely not easy. I have been an optimistic person my whole life, thinking of the bright side of situations and hoping things could improve. When tough situations occur, it is hard to see the good. Optimism can seem impossible, but you can start with small steps to help train your brain to reverse its pessimistic tendencies. 

Have you heard of the power of manifestation? As embarrassed as I am to admit this, I learned about it from Tik Tok. You will bring energy to you that you emit into the world. If you are dwelling in constant misery and negativity, you are manifesting negative energy. Surrounding yourself with people and things that bring you joy will increase the positive energy you are putting into the universe, and ultimately bring positive energy back your way. You can even make "requests" to the universe by doing manifestation chants. One method I have attempted is called the 3-6-9 manifestation method. You recite your desire 3 times, your emotions 6 times, and your affirmations 9 times. This is how it worked for me the other day. 

Bruces car broke down at a gas station. He found someone after 10 minutes to jump his car. He told me he would keep me posted. I stated "please let his car work" 3 times. Then I said "we need his car so he can get to work" 6 times (not necessarily an emotion, but still). Then, I said "If he gets his car to work he will be safe and will still get paid" 9 times. He called me back in 5 minutes with a solution that allowed him to remain safe, and still get paid for the day. It's all about the energy you decide you want surrounding you!

Here is a link that describes more about manifestation. 

7. Organize and Declutter

Organizing and decluttering is very on brand for me. I am that friend that would love to come into your home and reorganize your linen closet, it if meant you wouldn't be offended of course.  Making things look prim, proper, and in their place makes me feel a Zen that can't be explained. My anxiety will burn to ashes the second I start an organizing task. 

During the end of 2020, I began a strong love for organizing. I had always been good at it, but struggled to maintain it. I could have dining room table cleaned off every night, but by the next night, they would be cluttered again. The toys could be neatly organized in their baskets, and then destroyed within the hour. I became obsessive about cleaning the house, and even made a cleaning schedule. Bruce thought I was nuts, until we actually started building a routine. We took every day chores that seem daunting and turned them into habits. Our house is never immaculate, but we can honestly say our house is always tidy and clean, even with three dogs, a cat and a toddler. 

With the cleaning schedule, I began finding areas around the house that could be better organized. I ordered more baskets and containers than I thought our house could hold. I gave everything a place to be stored, labeled if possible. When we put laundry away, each sheet, pillowcase and towel has a home. When we use cleaning supplies, we grab it from the basket, and return it to the basket. Putting bins in the refrigerator made us realize how much space we were wasting by tossing things into drawers and bowls. We were able to instantly reduce our clutter. When we come home from work, we don't feel the stress of a messy home. Many of these task have become a habit. Bruce said, and I quote, "Wow, it's nice to be able to find something when you need it." This is how organizing and decluttering saved our mental health. 

Organizing and cleaning can be a dreaded task. If you feel that you don't know where to start, reach out to me privately! I would love to consult with you and discuss how you can start your journey to an organized and decluttered home. If you are interested in seeing my cleaning schedule, I will link a preview down below! If you are interested in having me help you make one, or designing one for you on Canva, send me an email or contact form and I would love to help! You can also reach out to me on Instagram! @amandafromthehawkesnest  I post a ton of cleaning and organizing videos on Instagram and Tik Tok (Follow me @thehawkesnest)

8. You Come First, Because You Matter, Too

I have always fallen victim to putting everyone before myself. I was always pouring from an empty cup, giving every ounce of energy I had to making sure the family had their needs met, even if it meant mine never were. I was the mom that would let Madden sleep for hours on my chest, starving myself all day in refusal to move and wake the sleeping baby because he was sick and hadn't slept much during the night. I am the mom who will always make the sacrifice if it means someone else won't have to. I am the friend that won't want to wake my kid up in the middle of the night to drive you to the airport, but will do it because I love and care about you. The only person I was hurting by putting myself last, was myself. 
Getting into this trap led me into a deep dark depression. I felt so dark, unloved, and truly couldn't fathom daily functional tasks. Eventually, this led to me getting diagnosed with anxiety and panic disorder. One day, I had to make a decision that would inevitably change mine and Madden's life forever. From that day forward, I vowed that I couldn't always be last, and anyone that felt I deserved to be last wasn't deserving of my time and energy. This meant EVERYONE around me. From that day, our family has built a strong, loving foundation that thrives in a positive environment. 
You can't pour from an empty cup. You matter. You deserve to be happy. You come first.